Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
