I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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