i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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