We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
