whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
