my phone needs a breathalizer
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
