Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
did i walk over a car last night?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
