dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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