my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize