jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
