You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
