I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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