The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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