i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
