God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
