you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
