Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
