hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
