If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
