oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
