Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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