i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
