He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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