If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize