accomplished twins. life is a go
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
