who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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