Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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