part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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