I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
