dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
