So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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