we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize