i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
