You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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