is your mom at the bar?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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