Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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