i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize