there's paper in my vomit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
