you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
