Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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