nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
