Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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