I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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