That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
