haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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