Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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