Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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