When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
