is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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