I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i think i just lost a toe
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
