guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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