I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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