it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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