somebody snuck up and got me drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
