I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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