They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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