I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
