The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
