I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
