ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
