booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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