My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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