I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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