i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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