Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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