My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize