Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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