Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
